There are many unspoken 'house rules' of living with CB.
Perhaps we could needlepoint them upon a very large pillow.
~ Leave NOT thy ipad or iphone anywhere lest she pick it up and start banging it on the table.
- Leave not thy giant, expensive, flatscreen T.V. turned on and then exit the room lest CB walk up and smash it with her bare hands.
~ Leave NOT thy child's art work, homework, or important papers on any counter surface lest it get scribbled upon, crumbled and ripped or possibly eaten. This is especially true if your children are prone to being intensely devastated by the loss of a favorite drawing.
~ Leave NOT thy clothing, hair accessories or other such sundries with ribbon or string attached ANY where or it will be destroyed. Same goes for ear buds, headphones, or anything with a long cord.
~ Leave NOT thy spray or spritz bottle (such as hair spray, sunscreen, hand gel, and the likes) out in the open. The top will get chewed up beyond recognition.
~ Deck NOT thy halls at the holidays with any type of garland, beads, ribbon , string, wreathes, or things that makes music or a sound. It. Will. Be. Destroyed.
~ Open NOT thy windows in the nice whether or you shall invite a stimming CB to smash your screen right out.
~ When driving in ye minivan, refrain from putting CB in the passenger seat lest she try to repetitively knock the car out of gear while driving, hit the flashers, and f--- up all your controls on the dashboard... particularly if you are going 65 miles per hour on the turnpike.
Yet, refrain from putting CB in thy back seat where she will try to break the DVD screen and open the car door and beat up her sisters.
~Always have a diaper bag and change of clothes. Always and forever.
Ye shall do these things at your own risk, oh brave souls:
Put up curtains.
Bring home a balloon.
Set down any beverage.
Set down a book or magazine.
Wear a long necklace.
Have your 90 year old grandma wear a long necklace.
Leave your wallet in plain view.
Hang wind chimes.
Suspend anything decorative from any wall or ceiling.
Leave anything remotely sentimental or old anywhere in your home. She has a knack for finding that stuff.
Leave a box of tissues, box of baby wipes, roll of toilet paper, stack of napkins, or a pocket book unattended.
Let her anywhere near a pile of gifts meant for someone else, particularly if there are ribbons and bows on them 'coz that stuff will be torn apart!
Put your child's water bottle, soccer ball, or drawstring sports bag within a 20 foot radius of CB when on the soccer field. It will be swiped.
Forget to trim her fingernails (they draw blood).
Run out of hot dogs or cheese (oh, mercy no!)
~ Lastly, if your offspring and neighborhood children are playing outside with a box turtle they found in the yard, do NOT let thy CB anywhere near it.
She'll walk over, scoop it up, and start shaking it around like a freakin' maraca to the hysterical screams and cries of 8 little girls.
No actual turtles were harmed in the filming of this event.
If you forget any one of these rules, just remember this one rule of Life With CB (which also applies nicely to toddlers): If it's quiet for too long, there is most certainly trouble.
But the Golden Rule of Life With CB? When she hugs you, never let go first.