Once upon a time, a kind and devoutly Christian man spoke to me with great tenderness about CB. "God has a plan for her, and when she enters his kingdom, she will have a special place, and she will be whole and complete. She will be made perfect."
I reflect on his words from time to time. I used to think how awesome it would be to find CB in Heaven made whole and perfect. Will she be walking and talking and standing upright with strength in her core and face so her jaw doesn't slack? Then I wonder, are there even "bodies" at all in the Afterlife? I don't presume to know anything about anything, but I've never been one to necessarily think that a Heaven situation resembles earth... like it's Earth Part II and we're all in the same bodies and driving our minivans but doing more divine work and never needing to eat sleep or die. I've always just imagined our spirits would be at their very best... unconditional love, acceptance, forgiveness. Everything good. Everything pure. Everything whole.
There is a little place inside where I mourn the loss of CB. The loss of what should have been, of a "normal" mother-daughter relationship. Aside from the physical things that put her health at risk, most of the things I mourn are more selfish - because I am a human being of flesh living in this world that has constructed a way for me to think, to love, to be needed and to need. I live in the world of expectations and I am socialized to understand success, motherhood, and importance.
Yet, without those sociocultural constraints and expectations, there would be no losses to mourn. CB as she is right now would be whole and complete. She would only fill my heart, not grieve it. The day to day life wouldn't feel as difficult. It's difficult because I try to fit into a world that is not set up for families like mine and people like CB so we are always challenged, everyday. But, what if you stripped it all away - it ALL away - and there were no more "supposed tos" and no more expectations? What if it was just about hanging out with no agenda, just about 'being' and loving and not rushing and achieving? If we were just spirits of love with infinite time and no distractions maybe it wouldn't be hard at all. Maybe it would be pretty darn glorious.
And it all would be enough.
I want to believe there is something beyond this life. In my moments where belief beats doubt, I think about my reunion with CB after our life here is gone. I will know her because she will be CB, whole and complete, just as she is now. I will be the one transformed. I will finally be made whole and complete - made perfect.